So, I decided today that I'm going to give something up for Lent. To most of the world, I'm giving up chocolate. But really... I'm giving up escape.
All the forms that I use to escape the world, lies, truth, games, fear.
I just don't know how to give of myself, I've never opened enough to let someone else in. I'm afraid I'm going to end up alone simply because I don't know how to let myself be vulnerable.
I have no idea where to turn... I don't know what to do anymore.
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Drifting.
I'm drifting now. I'm not sure where to go. I thought I had a course, the sails were tacked, the rudder set. How could I be derailed so horribly? Six months. Six months.
Eight months and now I'm lost at sea.
This has been a trying last two weeks. I'm going to try and enumerate a few of the reasons why...
I have recently begun trying to get my life in order. This requires that I give up a lot of the escape methods I use for comfort. To compound this I recently discovered that I have/had a stronger emotional attachment to my best friend. This of course is problematic as I can't go and talk to her about some of these problems and I can't go to my alternative for support. I have felt very much as though there was no place I could turn. And more than anything else that is what hurt, feeling alone.
On top of all of this, I've been told something I thought was happening in May isn't going to happen until October (at the earliest), if at all. Perhaps I'm just being a little parinoid, but I can't handle this job that long, so I'm going to need to find something else to do. What do I do? Where do I turn? I know I should be able to find comfort in God, but sometimes I need an actual person as well.
I just want to run away from the world and hide in some 'cavity of a rock' until the end of the world.
Eight months and now I'm lost at sea.
This has been a trying last two weeks. I'm going to try and enumerate a few of the reasons why...
I have recently begun trying to get my life in order. This requires that I give up a lot of the escape methods I use for comfort. To compound this I recently discovered that I have/had a stronger emotional attachment to my best friend. This of course is problematic as I can't go and talk to her about some of these problems and I can't go to my alternative for support. I have felt very much as though there was no place I could turn. And more than anything else that is what hurt, feeling alone.
On top of all of this, I've been told something I thought was happening in May isn't going to happen until October (at the earliest), if at all. Perhaps I'm just being a little parinoid, but I can't handle this job that long, so I'm going to need to find something else to do. What do I do? Where do I turn? I know I should be able to find comfort in God, but sometimes I need an actual person as well.
I just want to run away from the world and hide in some 'cavity of a rock' until the end of the world.
Thinking on paper
So, today I had a conversation that felt like a DTR... it wasn't though... not REALLY, it kinda was though. The problem is that I have no idea what I want in this situation, so this is me thinking on paper.
Do I like her? Of course I like her, but do I like her like that? I'm not really sure, what does that mean? What do you want from her? I pretty much just want it where it is right now... but maybe with me eight feet north. That would change things. So... that would fit into what she said she wanted. Wouldn't it? I mean, I'm leaving... she's leaving. It isn't going to go any further than that. Would it go further if you were 8 feet north? I'm not sure. And what about California? That's no good, I mean, there is no way that could go any where, not in four months. Is that how much time I have left... four months? Three maybe. But old man winter said California might suit me. Might, maybe, but would that be fair? At least I could be me in California, for a few months... and then what? Off to shoe repair and never to return? How is that fair? Maybe that's what works with Jelly, we both have an expiration. But could we still be friends? We could try it... would she? Probably not, but that's what I want, status 2. You know what the worst part is? Those commercials the church used to show, about marrying your best friend. Jelly wouldn't have seen those, you know how it goes Cam, you should be accustomed to order of appearance first. But I can hope, hope that it could have been, if I ask and it's a no I lose even that. Sometimes, I wish there wasn't a dead man switch here. I'm so tired of holding it down.
Well, if that makes any sense to you at all... congratulations. Those are my thoughts directly as they came from my head, but man, I forget how obfuscating my mind can be.
Do I like her? Of course I like her, but do I like her like that? I'm not really sure, what does that mean? What do you want from her? I pretty much just want it where it is right now... but maybe with me eight feet north. That would change things. So... that would fit into what she said she wanted. Wouldn't it? I mean, I'm leaving... she's leaving. It isn't going to go any further than that. Would it go further if you were 8 feet north? I'm not sure. And what about California? That's no good, I mean, there is no way that could go any where, not in four months. Is that how much time I have left... four months? Three maybe. But old man winter said California might suit me. Might, maybe, but would that be fair? At least I could be me in California, for a few months... and then what? Off to shoe repair and never to return? How is that fair? Maybe that's what works with Jelly, we both have an expiration. But could we still be friends? We could try it... would she? Probably not, but that's what I want, status 2. You know what the worst part is? Those commercials the church used to show, about marrying your best friend. Jelly wouldn't have seen those, you know how it goes Cam, you should be accustomed to order of appearance first. But I can hope, hope that it could have been, if I ask and it's a no I lose even that. Sometimes, I wish there wasn't a dead man switch here. I'm so tired of holding it down.
Well, if that makes any sense to you at all... congratulations. Those are my thoughts directly as they came from my head, but man, I forget how obfuscating my mind can be.
Wanting what I can't have
I have this bad habit of wanting things that I know I can't have. This is particularly evident when it comes to girls, if she's mentally unable to be in a relationship, has a boyfriend, or out of my league: I'm in love.
I really need to break this cycle, but I have no idea how... I'm so afraid of letting people in that I only allow people in who I know can't let me in.
As I think about this topic, I know how stupid this is, how widespread it is. Everyone is always looking for the next big thing, they are always looking over the fence at that green grass over there...
I really need to break this cycle, but I have no idea how... I'm so afraid of letting people in that I only allow people in who I know can't let me in.
As I think about this topic, I know how stupid this is, how widespread it is. Everyone is always looking for the next big thing, they are always looking over the fence at that green grass over there...
Owl City
I feel like there is so much to say, and yet... so little. Really, nothing has changed in the past few months. Except for inside me. There is a determination in my head, that means something WILL happen I'm setting things in motion for a life that I've always thought about, but never set foot down. It's going to be difficult, I'm going to be far older than the rest of the people, I'm not where I should be physically for it, but... something about it gives a rightness to all my thoughts and dreams that I know I'm heading in the right direction.
I do not need to see the end, only the step ahead, and I'm taking that step with faith that there will be enough light to see one more step after that, and if it comes to the point that I'm walking into the darkness at least I know I won't be walking alone.
I do not need to see the end, only the step ahead, and I'm taking that step with faith that there will be enough light to see one more step after that, and if it comes to the point that I'm walking into the darkness at least I know I won't be walking alone.
Course, plotted.
Assuming they will have me, I now know where I am heading in the next few months. Our last few scripture studies have been focused on dealing with the issues of making decisions, and I've made mine. I feel good about it.
I'm somewhat afraid to tell people, no, I'm terrified of it. And as I'm firmly of the opinion that information like this should be relayed in person before it is adapted for online discussion I'm not going to say what the actual decision is yet. Only that I charted the course.
When I think of a Nomad, I think of someone who wanders hither and thither as the wind blows. But I suppose that's not how it actually went, they probably followed a course, they followed the food. They went where they had to go in order to survive and I suppose I'm doing just that. I just hope I can finish.
I'm somewhat afraid to tell people, no, I'm terrified of it. And as I'm firmly of the opinion that information like this should be relayed in person before it is adapted for online discussion I'm not going to say what the actual decision is yet. Only that I charted the course.
When I think of a Nomad, I think of someone who wanders hither and thither as the wind blows. But I suppose that's not how it actually went, they probably followed a course, they followed the food. They went where they had to go in order to survive and I suppose I'm doing just that. I just hope I can finish.
A thesis.
I had a thought today as I watched Ameile, towards the end. It made me think of myself, and the words of my favorite prophet of the past came to mind:
I do not wander because I am looking for a home, I wander because home is where ever I wander.
The time passed away with us, and also our lives passed away like as it were unto us a dream, we being a lonesome and a solemn people, wanders, cast out from [our home], born in tribulation, in a wilderness, and hated of our brethren...wherefore, we did mourn out our days.Wandering is going to be the theme of this blog. I recently read The Alchemist, in the book it talks about how we all must search for our personal legends. I have come to discover a limitation in myself, a point past which I can go no further. I am unsure if this limit is to be with me until I shed this mortal coil, but I do not think it matters either way. Somehow I must learn to turn lead into gold, and that is what this blog will be about.
I do not wander because I am looking for a home, I wander because home is where ever I wander.
Not all those who wander are lost.
I've been thinking a lot about the name of this blog, and what that symbolizes for me.
I got it from some neighbors at the beginning of the semester, I told them about my life and they accused me of being a bum. I didn't really like that as much as nomad, which was also suggested, so I opted for that. Sometimes I wish I had a home, a place to call my own.
Instead, I fear I will wander this world, adrift on the sands of time, until I shed this mortal coil. It's not so bad, I just need figure out how keep everyone warm until i leave.
I got it from some neighbors at the beginning of the semester, I told them about my life and they accused me of being a bum. I didn't really like that as much as nomad, which was also suggested, so I opted for that. Sometimes I wish I had a home, a place to call my own.
Instead, I fear I will wander this world, adrift on the sands of time, until I shed this mortal coil. It's not so bad, I just need figure out how keep everyone warm until i leave.
And so, I pass into the west
And footsore, worn and weary
Find that shore,
Looking to the dying sun
And walking on water pass
from here to there,
and into the golden sunset
I'll follow you down
when the sun enters
the deep blue once again.
A day of Infamy.
Sixty Eight years ago today(technically yesterday I suppose), Admiral Yamamoto launched his surprise attack on America, attempting to force America out of the war. It obviously didn't work, and America joined both the Pacific and European theatres. President Roosevelt gave a speech, on the 8th of December, 1941 in it he declared December 7th a date of infamy. It has become a common reference to the attack. I refereed to today with that appellation, and at least three, college age adults, with some college education asked me what I meant.
I guess infamy only lasts a couple decades. When will we forget September 11th? Have we already?
And I end, with one of my favorite quotations.
I guess infamy only lasts a couple decades. When will we forget September 11th? Have we already?
And I end, with one of my favorite quotations.
But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate...we can not consecrate...we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government: of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.