I know this post is likely to be unfair to certain individuals. I realize that in advance, but there has been a need inside of me, a desire for some world I wish I could find. And I can't, I can't find it, I truely am lost and I have no idea how to find myself again.
First, I'm terribly, terribly broke and in debt. To the point that I am homeless, because I cannot afford my bills. I don't know how I could possibly add a rent payment on top of that debt considering how hard it would be to find an apt in the first place. I suppose what I really need to do is go full time at work. I don't want to do that, I'm not sure i could handle it to be honest... but maybe I could do it.I don't like doing difficult things and this is something that would be difficult for me... to go to a job and work in that mindnumbing fulness. My body might survive... but would my spirit?
Do I even have a spirit left? I feel devoid of life, frittering time away because I have nothing of value to contribue to the world. I feel worthless. I think more than anything else that is what bothers me, I don't feel like I do anything of value at work, I don't feel as though I do anything of value outside of work, and I'm stuck, stuck in a life where I have denied myself anything that would give me pleasure because it could possibly back fire on me and make me sad, and in doing that, I've become sad. Disconsolate really.
I don't want anyone else to read this post, I suppose I could just save it as a draft and not send it out into the cosmos... but really... I don't think I will, because most of all this is a plee for help. A deseperate plee to the universe to save me from myself to allow me to cease to exist. How I long for oblivion, for a place where I do not think, I do not feel, I do not exist. No, I'm not suicidal, but that is only because I cannot let myself believe that it would end there. I can't believe that it would solve anything, but oh how I wish it could.
Lately I have had that crisis of belief, the one where the part of me that believes fights with the part of me that doesn't want to believe anymore, that wants to just give up and slide into darkness. I look at the world around me, the people who are accomplishing something and I fear for my ability to be part of this world. I don't feel like I belong here, I don't know if there is anywhere that I do belong, I can't anymore, I can't have the hope that somewhere there is a place where I fit, where I match up with the universes expectations of me.
I have been staying at some friend's place, and tonight they told me it wouldn't be fair for me to stay here on the management of the apt. Because this is technically only a six person apt and there are noweffectually seven people that live here. I want to run away, I wanto hide, but I don't know where I could go to do that. I don't have any avenues to turn to where I could possibly be free, free of these chains that bind me. i don't want anyone else to save me, I don't want to ask for help, I don't even want help to come, I just want to stop, to stop being this person that I am. I entertain people, but I don't connect with them, I don't have deep, meaningful conversations with anyone, I don't feel anything anymore, just a memory of things I used to feel, emotions I used to belive in. Hopes and positions I used to have. I don't have them anymore, I don't have anything, just an empty shell.
Well, this isn't actually helping me as much as I would hope so... I'm going to go to bed now.
