Thinking on paper

So, today I had a conversation that felt like a DTR... it wasn't though... not REALLY, it kinda was though. The problem is that I have no idea what I want in this situation, so this is me thinking on paper.

Do I like her?  Of course I like her, but do I like her like that?  I'm not really sure, what does that mean?  What do you want from her?  I pretty much just want it where it is right now... but maybe with me eight feet north. That would change things. So... that would fit into what she said she wanted.  Wouldn't it?  I mean, I'm leaving... she's leaving.  It isn't going to go any further than that.  Would it go further if you were 8 feet north? I'm not sure. And what about California? That's no good, I mean, there is no way that could go any where, not in four months. Is that how much time I have left... four months?  Three maybe.  But old man winter said California might suit me.  Might, maybe, but would that be fair? At least I could be me in California, for a few months... and then what? Off to shoe repair and never to return?  How is that fair?  Maybe that's what works with Jelly, we both have an expiration.  But could we still be friends?  We could try it... would she? Probably not, but that's what I want, status 2. You know what the worst part is?  Those commercials the church used to show, about marrying your best friend. Jelly wouldn't have seen those, you know how it goes Cam, you should be accustomed to order of appearance first. But I can hope, hope that it could have been, if I ask and it's a no I lose even that. Sometimes, I wish there wasn't a dead man switch here.  I'm so tired of holding it down.

Well, if that makes any sense to you at all... congratulations.  Those are my thoughts directly as they came from my head, but man, I forget how obfuscating my mind can be.