So, today I had a conversation that felt like a DTR... it wasn't though... not REALLY, it kinda was though. The problem is that I have no idea what I want in this situation, so this is me thinking on paper.
Do I like her? Of course I like her, but do I like her like that? I'm not really sure, what does that mean? What do you want from her? I pretty much just want it where it is right now... but maybe with me eight feet north. That would change things. So... that would fit into what she said she wanted. Wouldn't it? I mean, I'm leaving... she's leaving. It isn't going to go any further than that. Would it go further if you were 8 feet north? I'm not sure. And what about California? That's no good, I mean, there is no way that could go any where, not in four months. Is that how much time I have left... four months? Three maybe. But old man winter said California might suit me. Might, maybe, but would that be fair? At least I could be me in California, for a few months... and then what? Off to shoe repair and never to return? How is that fair? Maybe that's what works with Jelly, we both have an expiration. But could we still be friends? We could try it... would she? Probably not, but that's what I want, status 2. You know what the worst part is? Those commercials the church used to show, about marrying your best friend. Jelly wouldn't have seen those, you know how it goes Cam, you should be accustomed to order of appearance first. But I can hope, hope that it could have been, if I ask and it's a no I lose even that. Sometimes, I wish there wasn't a dead man switch here. I'm so tired of holding it down.
Well, if that makes any sense to you at all... congratulations. Those are my thoughts directly as they came from my head, but man, I forget how obfuscating my mind can be.
Wanting what I can't have
I have this bad habit of wanting things that I know I can't have. This is particularly evident when it comes to girls, if she's mentally unable to be in a relationship, has a boyfriend, or out of my league: I'm in love.
I really need to break this cycle, but I have no idea how... I'm so afraid of letting people in that I only allow people in who I know can't let me in.
As I think about this topic, I know how stupid this is, how widespread it is. Everyone is always looking for the next big thing, they are always looking over the fence at that green grass over there...
I really need to break this cycle, but I have no idea how... I'm so afraid of letting people in that I only allow people in who I know can't let me in.
As I think about this topic, I know how stupid this is, how widespread it is. Everyone is always looking for the next big thing, they are always looking over the fence at that green grass over there...
Owl City
I feel like there is so much to say, and yet... so little. Really, nothing has changed in the past few months. Except for inside me. There is a determination in my head, that means something WILL happen I'm setting things in motion for a life that I've always thought about, but never set foot down. It's going to be difficult, I'm going to be far older than the rest of the people, I'm not where I should be physically for it, but... something about it gives a rightness to all my thoughts and dreams that I know I'm heading in the right direction.
I do not need to see the end, only the step ahead, and I'm taking that step with faith that there will be enough light to see one more step after that, and if it comes to the point that I'm walking into the darkness at least I know I won't be walking alone.
I do not need to see the end, only the step ahead, and I'm taking that step with faith that there will be enough light to see one more step after that, and if it comes to the point that I'm walking into the darkness at least I know I won't be walking alone.
Course, plotted.
Assuming they will have me, I now know where I am heading in the next few months. Our last few scripture studies have been focused on dealing with the issues of making decisions, and I've made mine. I feel good about it.
I'm somewhat afraid to tell people, no, I'm terrified of it. And as I'm firmly of the opinion that information like this should be relayed in person before it is adapted for online discussion I'm not going to say what the actual decision is yet. Only that I charted the course.
When I think of a Nomad, I think of someone who wanders hither and thither as the wind blows. But I suppose that's not how it actually went, they probably followed a course, they followed the food. They went where they had to go in order to survive and I suppose I'm doing just that. I just hope I can finish.
I'm somewhat afraid to tell people, no, I'm terrified of it. And as I'm firmly of the opinion that information like this should be relayed in person before it is adapted for online discussion I'm not going to say what the actual decision is yet. Only that I charted the course.
When I think of a Nomad, I think of someone who wanders hither and thither as the wind blows. But I suppose that's not how it actually went, they probably followed a course, they followed the food. They went where they had to go in order to survive and I suppose I'm doing just that. I just hope I can finish.