Lent

So, I decided today that I'm going to give something up for Lent. To most of the world, I'm giving up chocolate.  But really... I'm giving up escape.

All the forms that I use to escape the world, lies, truth, games, fear.

I just don't know how to give of myself, I've never opened enough to let someone else in.  I'm afraid I'm going to end up alone simply because I don't know how to let myself be vulnerable.

I have no idea where to turn... I don't know what to do anymore.

Drifting.

I'm drifting now.  I'm not sure where to go. I thought I had a course, the sails were tacked, the rudder set. How could I be derailed so horribly?  Six months.  Six months.

Eight months and now I'm lost at sea.

This has been a trying last two weeks. I'm going to try and enumerate a few of the reasons why...

I have recently begun trying to get my life in order.  This requires that I give up a lot of the escape methods I use for comfort. To compound this I recently discovered that I have/had a stronger emotional attachment to my best friend. This of course is problematic as I can't go and talk to her about some of these problems and I can't go to my alternative for support. I have felt very much as though there was no place I could turn.  And more than anything else that is what hurt, feeling alone.

On top of all of this, I've been told something I thought was happening in May isn't going to happen until October (at the earliest), if at all.  Perhaps I'm just being a little parinoid, but I can't handle this job that long, so I'm going to need to find something else to do.  What do I do?  Where do I turn? I know I should be able to find comfort in God, but sometimes I need an actual person as well.

I just want to run away from the world and hide in some 'cavity of a rock' until the end of the world.

Crying.

I haven't cried as much in the past two years as I have this past week.

To be happy.

I've had this scripture running through my head all week, well, there have been a lot of them, but this is one of them.

Men are that they might have Joy.

 This past Monday for FHE we all shared our favorite scriptures.  In the course of the past two days a goodly portion of them have come to mind and have filled me with peace and hope. Today: "Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby." After which, "The son of man hath descended below them all, art thou greater than he?"

Lately, I've started doing those things which I know I should be doing, I've been getting my life in order. This happens every time... life always becomes the worst right as I start to do that. But this time I'm prepared, I will survive this, I will come through it stronger.

Satan, do your worst, for I shall do mine.