I'm drifting now. I'm not sure where to go. I thought I had a course, the sails were tacked, the rudder set. How could I be derailed so horribly? Six months. Six months.
Eight months and now I'm lost at sea.
This has been a trying last two weeks. I'm going to try and enumerate a few of the reasons why...
I have recently begun trying to get my life in order. This requires that I give up a lot of the escape methods I use for comfort. To compound this I recently discovered that I have/had a stronger emotional attachment to my best friend. This of course is problematic as I can't go and talk to her about some of these problems and I can't go to my alternative for support. I have felt very much as though there was no place I could turn. And more than anything else that is what hurt, feeling alone.
On top of all of this, I've been told something I thought was happening in May isn't going to happen until October (at the earliest), if at all. Perhaps I'm just being a little parinoid, but I can't handle this job that long, so I'm going to need to find something else to do. What do I do? Where do I turn? I know I should be able to find comfort in God, but sometimes I need an actual person as well.
I just want to run away from the world and hide in some 'cavity of a rock' until the end of the world.
Showing posts with label Rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rant. Show all posts
Thinking on paper
So, today I had a conversation that felt like a DTR... it wasn't though... not REALLY, it kinda was though. The problem is that I have no idea what I want in this situation, so this is me thinking on paper.
Do I like her? Of course I like her, but do I like her like that? I'm not really sure, what does that mean? What do you want from her? I pretty much just want it where it is right now... but maybe with me eight feet north. That would change things. So... that would fit into what she said she wanted. Wouldn't it? I mean, I'm leaving... she's leaving. It isn't going to go any further than that. Would it go further if you were 8 feet north? I'm not sure. And what about California? That's no good, I mean, there is no way that could go any where, not in four months. Is that how much time I have left... four months? Three maybe. But old man winter said California might suit me. Might, maybe, but would that be fair? At least I could be me in California, for a few months... and then what? Off to shoe repair and never to return? How is that fair? Maybe that's what works with Jelly, we both have an expiration. But could we still be friends? We could try it... would she? Probably not, but that's what I want, status 2. You know what the worst part is? Those commercials the church used to show, about marrying your best friend. Jelly wouldn't have seen those, you know how it goes Cam, you should be accustomed to order of appearance first. But I can hope, hope that it could have been, if I ask and it's a no I lose even that. Sometimes, I wish there wasn't a dead man switch here. I'm so tired of holding it down.
Well, if that makes any sense to you at all... congratulations. Those are my thoughts directly as they came from my head, but man, I forget how obfuscating my mind can be.
Do I like her? Of course I like her, but do I like her like that? I'm not really sure, what does that mean? What do you want from her? I pretty much just want it where it is right now... but maybe with me eight feet north. That would change things. So... that would fit into what she said she wanted. Wouldn't it? I mean, I'm leaving... she's leaving. It isn't going to go any further than that. Would it go further if you were 8 feet north? I'm not sure. And what about California? That's no good, I mean, there is no way that could go any where, not in four months. Is that how much time I have left... four months? Three maybe. But old man winter said California might suit me. Might, maybe, but would that be fair? At least I could be me in California, for a few months... and then what? Off to shoe repair and never to return? How is that fair? Maybe that's what works with Jelly, we both have an expiration. But could we still be friends? We could try it... would she? Probably not, but that's what I want, status 2. You know what the worst part is? Those commercials the church used to show, about marrying your best friend. Jelly wouldn't have seen those, you know how it goes Cam, you should be accustomed to order of appearance first. But I can hope, hope that it could have been, if I ask and it's a no I lose even that. Sometimes, I wish there wasn't a dead man switch here. I'm so tired of holding it down.
Well, if that makes any sense to you at all... congratulations. Those are my thoughts directly as they came from my head, but man, I forget how obfuscating my mind can be.
A day of Infamy.
Sixty Eight years ago today(technically yesterday I suppose), Admiral Yamamoto launched his surprise attack on America, attempting to force America out of the war. It obviously didn't work, and America joined both the Pacific and European theatres. President Roosevelt gave a speech, on the 8th of December, 1941 in it he declared December 7th a date of infamy. It has become a common reference to the attack. I refereed to today with that appellation, and at least three, college age adults, with some college education asked me what I meant.
I guess infamy only lasts a couple decades. When will we forget September 11th? Have we already?
And I end, with one of my favorite quotations.
I guess infamy only lasts a couple decades. When will we forget September 11th? Have we already?
And I end, with one of my favorite quotations.
But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate...we can not consecrate...we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government: of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.